The center of mass of society doesn't want the best for you
Most people aren't fulfilled, free, particularly loving or competent. This is simply because the center of mass of society is rather mediocre, since it consists of people who do not question things deeply, do difficult things and merely go with the flow. As a result, most advice is worse than bad, it is misleading, because it comes from people who do not really live consciously 1, and instead sleepwalk through their day, calcified by their habits and programmed ways of thinking.
These people can never be convinced of anything because their worldview hasn’t been devised by conscious choice, and you cannot convince someone out of a worldview they never walked into in the first place. 2 Therefore, better to focus one's resources into living the type of life one wants.
Here is an obvious statement which is worth internalizing: you will be shunned for being significantly different from most people, or even punished. The non-obvious corollary however is that this also applies to important qualities: honesty, integrity, compassion and care, just to list a few.
It is not acceptable within a company to question the ethicality of the entire business, of the source of profits, of the broad effects it has within the world. Such people are at best annoying, and at worst will be fired. Truth is not acceptable when the curtains of delusion are used to facilitate survival. Likewise, within a group where feelings of inferiority are used to bond - a rather common situation on the internet - it is not acceptable for someone to point out the various ways in which its members could improve their lives, because that would be threatening to their egos, since genuine change is so painful, and blaming is far easier.
As a result, the not so obvious corollary is that you will not be rewarded or admired for being honest and true to your values. I do not mean this to be fuel for the self-righteous and caustic people found on social media, who are quick to point out the problems in everyone but themselves, I simply wish to describe an important mechanism of collectives and how they maintain themselves.
And conversely, what you will be rewarded for might be severely misaligned with your values, not necessarily, but often enough that it is worth keeping in mind. What gets the most likes on social media is rarely what is healthy or truthful, but then again, do you want to appeal to everyone? A smaller audience might not be a bad thing if it means a significantly higher quality of interactions.
Another obvious statement regarding conformity is that if you do everything like other people, you will become like them. The contraposition is more interesting however: if what you want is significantly different from other people, you must be willing to do different things, perhaps radically so. Therefore, if you wish to get an idea of how much you've internalized these seemingly obvious statements, ask yourself the following: When will I make radical moves? When will I take risks? When will I stand up for my values, even if I'm socially punished for it?
Because if you desire truly different things out of life than what others around you are getting, then it's already guaranteed you'll have to break out of the mold. The only question is when, not if, and in what manners. Even the question of "when" is somewhat misleading, since the only person that can actually make decisions is the present-you. The future is a useful abstraction, but the idea of "future-you" obscures the fact that tough decisions are always made in the present, and they won’t magically get easier just because you are older.
Consequently, it's a good idea to practice being yourself, as weird as it sounds, in whatever way you can afford to. Telling people around you about an unconventional hobby might seem trivial, but it's not insignificant. How people relate to weirdness is a good sign of how consciously they live, I have found, and if they really can't handle such a small aspect of you, then why bother spending your time with them?
Here are some other ways to experiment with being different and make changes to your life:
Obviously some of these examples are biased to what interests me in life, such as minimalist living, but I prefer giving concrete ones rather than vague directions. Those small experiments might not appear life-changing, but they teach you subtle and important lessons: you can be yourself, you can just do stuff if you so wish, and life offers so many more possibilities than people are used to thinking about.
Sure, some people around you might not get it, and some might even laugh at you, but then again, it's likely that you're in a situation where you can just find other people. It's a good thing to know early on when those around you cannot accept you for who you are, because then you waste less of your finite time with them. And it's also possible that you find some who are delighted by all the things you consider weird in yourself but which they see as important reflections of who you are.
At the end of the day, no one lies in their deathbed thinking that they should have compromised more in their life. In fact one of the biggest regrets of the dying is:
I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. 3
Then again, living the life that others expect of you can be great when they are in alignment with who you are. Being aware of the center of mass of society isn't merely about 'going out your own path', whatever that means. It can also consist in deliberately cultivating relationships that steer you in a direction you want. Ultimately, it's your life, and every moment is an opportunity to choose what you want, rather than let yourself be pulled by the center of mass of society, by the invisible but very real force of conformity. Not an easy choice, but a choice regardless.
1 Fortunately you can trust me, I, a fully enlightened being who has attained the peak of humanity, although I still need your money in order to fire my wisdom beams to the crowd.
2 ‘You cannot reason a person out of a position he did not reason himself into in the first place.’ Jonathan Swift.
3 Top five regrets of the dying
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2024-01-28